please don't ask me to take your picture.

I cannot take a good picture to save my life. Every time I try the picture is fuzzy, out of focus, or just plain bad. I dread taking pictures on vacation because I'll remember more from my memory than trying to figure out where I was when I captured that squiggle of light.

I hate when strangers ask me to take their picture for them. I can spot it minutes before it happens and I always try to avoid it. The exclamation over whatever scenery they are seeing. The fumble through the bag for the camera. The predator-like gaze they give as their eyes scan the premises and land on...me. "Excuse me could you take our picture?" I consider running away. I consider taking their camera, throwing it, and then running away. I consider pretending to not speak english and then running away. Or just staring at them until they decide I'm too insane to handle their precious camera and then running away. Running away is essential to every escape plan I conjure. But no. I smile big and say "Sure!". And then it begins.

They always start by handing over the camera and telling me "Just press the button right here at the top". Oh sir and/or ma'am all the instructions in the world couldn't save you from the atrocious picture I'm about to take. They pose and smile. I press the button (as per instructed really what could go wrong?) and capture the image that will become a visual memory for life. They quickly rush over to see the result and..."Oh would you mind taking it again? Our faces are blurry". Oh of course strangers. They hustle back into position and I take the picture again. They come back and...the look of confusion on their faces is comical but also mortifying for me.

I can see their thought process clearly. We told her to just push the button. Did she misunderstand? She looked capable of handling this...she seemed mentally sound. But maybe not...so where is her caretaker? The whole time I maintain my happy face as they politely thank me and then go scoping for another photographer. One who can follow simple instructions. It doesn't matter what they tell me or how simple the camera is I WILL NEVER TAKE A GOOD PICTURE. EVER. Not for strangers, not for friends, not for my family, not for my self, not for that cat, not for the serial killer who says take a picture or I will kill you. I will die.

I know you're thinking come on it can't be that bad. Oh hardy har.

Exhibit A.

Photo credit me

Exhibit B

Photo credit me

I don't know what these things are. I have no clue where I was or why I took them. Obviously it was something important enough for me to want to take a picture but I will never know.

So because of my lack of photography skills I admire people who can take pictures. It amazes me. One photographer in particular I really love is Sion Fullana. He does mainly street photography from his iPhone. Obviously this blew my photography challenged brain.

Some examples are

Photo credit Sion Fullana

Photo credit Sion Fullana

Photo credit Sion Fullana

Photo credit Sion Fullana

I wish I had half the photography talent this man has. His pictures are flawless.

 Even though I can't take pictures I do like to look at them. But that's where photography and I part ways. Please keep this in mind when you think about asking me to take your pictures strangers. I beg of you.